Cutlines
October 30 2003

In the news today:


Fannie Mae Makes $1.2 Billion Error

-- Less Costly than Jeter's in Game 6


China, North Korea Agree to 6-Way Nuclear Talks

-- While Eating 5-Way Chili at a 4-Way Intersection Lit by a 3-Way
Bulb on a 2-Way Street and All Facing One Way


Solar Hurricane Hits Earth's Magnetic Field

-- PlasmaMan Deflects Neutrons, Saves Earth Again


Congress Negotiators Clear $87 Billion for Iraq

-- Also $19.95 for "Cool" Popeil Pocket Fisherman


Paul McCartney 'Ecstatic' Father Again at 61

-- Will Child Still Love Him When He's 64?


Smokers at UN Challenge Annan's Ban

-- He Thought Staff was Too Kofi


Bush Visits Religious Charity Inspiration in Dallas

-- Speaks at Faith-Based Whataburger on 64th


Iraqi Insurgents Attack Freight Train

-- Assault on Baghdad Basement Yields HO-Scale Cargo


IRS Hopes to Stem Cheating on Taxes

-- Next Targets: Breathing, Sleep


MLB and MLS Ban Steroid THG

NBA, NFL, NHL, Run-DMC Say It's AOK


NFL to Impose Old Penalties for New Steroid

-- Abusers Face Dunking Stool, Bastinado


Lemieux Reaches 1,700 Points

-- Qualifies for Toaster on Safeway Club Card


Vegas Magician Roy Horn Moved to Los Angeles Hospital

-- Well, Mostly


Machines Reject New $20 Bills

-- Send Rejected Bills to Editor, c/o Cutlines


U.S. Naval Academy Demotes Professor over Copied Work

-- U.S. Naval Academy Demotes Professor over Copied Work


Bush Offers Campaign Theme

-- "Continubination"


Court Restricts Anti-Abortion Activist

-- May Watch 700 Club, but Not Cheer


Suit Accuses Police of Strip-Searches in Minor Cases

-- Previously, Only Priests Strip-Searched Minors


U.S. Naval Academy Demotes Professor over Copied Work

-- U.S. Naval Academy Demotes Professor over Copied Work


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 23 2003

In the news today:

Brain-Damaged Fla. Woman Again Being Fed

-- Florida First State to Outlaw Death


Wealthy Donors Asked to Dig Deep for Iraq Rebuild

-- Countries Contributing $1 Billion or More Get Tote Bag


Rumsfeld Challenges Progress in U.S. War on Terror

-- Prepares to Invade Department of Homeland Security


Sniper Suspect Stops Acting as His Own Lawyer

-- Now Acting as Own Doctor, Architect, Paleontologist


NY Ferry Captain Doesn’t Show for Interrogation

-- Skipper Again Failed to A Pier


Low-Cost Supercomputer Made With 1,100 PC's

-- Owner Jimmy Wilson Still Can’t Get By 7th Level Sword-Wielding Troll


Anti-Spam Bill Passes Senate

-- LIVE S,E;N,A.T,O;R.S ONLINE NOW! mhjqb


Pharmaceutical Roulette

-- 28 Ortho-Gynol, 1 Mike & Ike


Paris in Mock Chemical Attack

-- Vile Stench was Just Cheese


Industrial Robot Sales Surge in West

-- Schwarzenegger Win Spurs Sales of Political Robots


Liza Minnelli Files for Divorce

-- Their Life was No Cabaret


Tree Stump Virgin Mary Draws Faithful to Jersey Neighborhood

-- “Holy Sepulcher, Holy Sycamore, What’s the Difference?”



Redskins Sign Hasselbeck, Cut Johnson

-- Lorena Bobbitt Named QB Coach


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 22 2003

In the news today:


Governor Orders Feeding Resumed for Florida Woman

-- Decree Also Includes Callista Flockhart


Bush Says U.S. Willing to Give N. Korea Guarantees

-- Vows Pyongyang "Won't Pay a Lot for This Muffler"


Triumphant Schwarzenegger to Enter Sacramento

-- Will Prepare by Fondling Mount Shasta


Iran to Provide IAEA with Key Nuke Documents

-- Tehran to Provide IKEA with Millions of Leftover Hex Wrenches


North Korea Says U.S. Security Offer Laughable

-- And Boy, They Know Funny


Family Stunned After Man Takes Niagara Falls Plunge and Lives

-- Brother: "Already Divided Up his Baseball Cards"


Jeb Bush: 'I'm Not Playing God'

-- Cast as "Third Wise Man" in Tallahassee Christmas Pageant


Pentagon to Probe General's Remarks

-- Rumsfeld Believes Old Soldiers Do Just Fade Away


Singapore to Send Troops to Iraq

-- Well Experienced with Despotic One-Man Rule


Husband sues Liza Minnelli for $10M

-- Saw "Arthur 2"


Attorney Says Bonds 'Not a Target'

-- Pedro Martinez Says Everybody's a Target


Jack Elam, Villain From Westerns, Dies

-- Eastwood: "This Town Wasn't Big Enough for Both of Us"


Report Finds One in Six U.S. Inmates Mentally Ill

-- Also One in Two High School Chemistry Teachers


Clemens to Make Last Career Start Tonight

-- Roger will be Over and Out


Players to Discuss Expos' Situation

-- Tous Parlons Pas d'Attendance?


Lava Lamp Turns 40

-- Now Only Lights Up Once a Night at Best


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 15 2003

In the news today:


U.S. Vetoes Israeli Fence Resolution

-- Allows New Deck and Hot Tub


Democrats Lean Against Bush Spending Request

-- Bill Topples When Kennedy Shifts


Justices Say Doctors May Not Be Punished for Recommending Medical Marijuana

-- Scalia: "Pass the Oreos, Dr. Dude"


Bush to Meet Moderate Muslim Leaders

-- Parley Scheduled for Hay-Adams Phone Booth


Court to Hear Case on Web Porn

-- How Justice Went Blind


U.S. Panel to Decide on Silicone Breast Implants

-- Commissioners Worry They'll Need New Wardrobe


Comatose Woman's Feeding Tube to be Pulled Today

-- First Test of "Extreme Atkins"


Patrick Stewart Files for Separation

-- Saucer Section of Enterprise to Detach from Thrusters


High Court Accepts Pledge Case

-- 24 Cans of Lemony Polish Arrive at Supreme Loading Dock


Grizzlies Pummel Wizards

-- Tragedy on Set of "Harry Potter's Backwoods Adventure"


John Paul Marks 25 Years as Pope

-- Losing Candidate, George Ringo, Still Sulking



That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 14 2003

In the news today:


Bush Insists He's 'In Charge' of Iraq Policy

-- Alexander Haig In Charge of Everything Else


Bin Laden Son Assumes Key Role in Al Qaeda

-- Saad Bin Laden Named Recording Secretary and Cotillion Chair


U.S. Army Says Saddam in Hometown Area Recently

-- Seen Hanging Around Tikrit Malt Shop


Ford Unveils a $150,000 Car

-- New “Highstar” a Focus with Kilo of Cocaine in Glovebox


Saudis Give Suspected Terrorists to U.S.

-- Terrorist Free with 8 Million Barrel Fill-Up


China Scrubs Plans to Broadcast Space Launch

-- “Baywatch”, “ALF” Reruns More Popular


Kucinich Launches Long Shot White House Bid

-- Better Chance of Becoming Chinese Astronaut


Strike in Los Angeles Halts Public Buses, Trains

-- Existing Lack of Ridership Not Affected


Police Drank with Murder Jury

-- Jury Not Hung, Just Hung Over


Silicone Implant Hearing Set

-- FDA Installs Fake Commissioners


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 9 2003

In the news today:


Bush Says Iraq War Protected U.S. from 'Madman'

-- Gave Rumsfeld Something to Do Besides Telemarketing


Pixar-Disney Talks Said to Show Progress

-- Discussions Called "Animated"


2 Suspects Arrested in N.J.

-- Most of State Suspected of One Thing or Another


China Ready for Leap into Orbit

-- Beijing Asks All Americans to Jump at Exactly 11:30


Rumsfeld Resists Expansion

-- Oprah Also Trying Not to Expand


Siegfried: Tiger Wanted to Help Roy

-- Claims Germany Also Wanted to Help Czechoslovakia


Maryland First Lady Regrets 'Shoot Britney' Remark

-- Mrs. Ehrlich Sorry She Neglected to Mention Wearing Safety
Glasses


Silicone-Gel Breast Implants May Return

-- Technology Ready to Bounce Back


Md. OK's First Black Bear Hunt Since 1953

-- Chartreuse, Ecru Bears Always in Season


Red Sox, Cubs Win in Playoffs

-- Satan Orders Mittens


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 8 2003

In the news today:


Schwarzenegger Elected Governor of California

-- Francis the Talking Mule Named Environment Secretary, Jerry Mathers State Animal


Davis Gracious in Defeat

-- “I’m Sure Arnold Will Cop a Feel for the Job”


Senator's Wife Abducted, Then Freed

-- Outdoorsmen Hail Opening of Congressional “Catch and Release” Season


White House Says Three Senior Aides Innocent in Leak

-- Haldeman, Ehrlichman, McGarry Cleared in Probe


U.S. Forces Free Taliban Foreign Minister

-- Afghan Tagged to Monitor Migration Habits


Voters Voice Deep Dissatisfaction with Governor's Record

-- Manfred Mann’s “Blinded by the Light” Inferior to Springsteen’s Version


Clark Campaign Manager Quits, Signaling Rift

-- General Orders Aide Executed for Desertion


Ideal Mom and CIA Agent, Too

-- Kids Enjoyed Her Tasty Snacks and Cool Explosive Party Favors


Tests Find Mercury in Student's Home

-- Claims Car Was Graduation Gift from Girlfriend


Microsoft to Alter Browser for Ruling

-- Gates Found Software Empire’s Current Rule Too Benevolent


Words Every Globetrotter Should Know

-- Lyrics to “Sweet Georgia Brown” Published


Mister Rogers Book Helps Fill Void

-- Fits Neatly Between Sideboard and China Hutch


Canada Court Eases Medical Marijuana Rule

-- Can Now be Prescribed to Combat “Bummers,” Bad Hair


Patient Wins Award After Surgery Mishap

-- Court Grants Both Ears and the Tail, Just What Patient was Missing



That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 7 2003

In the news today:


U.S. Warns of 'Spectacular' Taliban Acts

-- Mirage Casino Seeks Replacement for Siegfried & Roy


Sharon Threatens to Hit Israel's Enemies Anywhere

-- Warns Arafat Not Safe From Noogies, Indian Burn


Graham Quits Presidential Race

-- First Time Many Americans Realized He was Running


Briton Wins Physics Nobel for Low-Temperature Research

-- British Beer Industry Mocks Results


N. Korea Says Japan Not Welcome at Nuclear Talks

-- Pyongyang: Japanese Always Steal Towels, Won't Shut Up on Cell Phones


High Court Opens Term, Disposes of 2,000 Cases

-- "Spring Break, We Go Through 2,000 Cases in 10 Minutes," Boasts Ft. Lauderdale Mayor


Brazil to Produce Enriched Uranium

-- Vitamin-Laden Isotope Will Help Strong Bodies Grow 127 Ways


Bank Robbery Photos Released

-- Next: 'Thieves Gone Wild' DVD


Babies Are At Risk Sleeping In Adult Beds

-- No Roman Polanski Joke Here


Reuters to Cut As Many As 20 Senior Jobs

-cHeeF Editur iz FuRST Fire6d


That's all for today.

However, if you're interested in learning what happens when a man who is not a doctor performs an intimate operation on a woman who is not a woman while atop home furnishings, the story can be found here: http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/10/07/castration.charges.ap/index.html

Cutlines
October 3 2003

In the news today:


Schwarzenegger Admired Hitler, Groped Women

-- Better Than the Other Way Around


N. Korea Says Plutonium Enhances Deterrent Force

-- New "Wonderbomb" Uplifts, Makes Small Warheads Look Bigger


U.S. Posts First Job Gains in 8 Months

-- Fueled by 4000% Growth in Gubernatorial Candidates


Poll Shows Drop in Confidence on Bush Skill in Handling Crises

-- White House Calls Drop From .001% to .00045% "Statistically
Insignificant"


No Illicit Arms Found in Iraq

-- Inspectors Did Find Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater, Waldo, and
$42.77 Loose Change


No WMD Found in Iraq So Far

-- Inspectors Yet to Check Saddam's Sock Drawer


Bill Banning Abortion Procedure Advances

-- Bill's Wife, Edna Banning, All For It


Graham Presidential Campaign Considers Changing Strategies

-- Now to Try Winning


How Consumers Should Check Drugs

-- Mail to Ehrman Hall, UC Berkeley, Attn: Gordo


A Year Later, Fear Lingers

-- ABC Considers Re-Running "Anna Nicole Show"


Capitals' Nylander Breaks Leg

-- Trainer Forced to Shoot Him


Suit Blames Microsoft for Worm Holes

-- Crew of Deep Space 9 Seeks 3 Million Quatloos


Cardinal Says Pope Approaching Death

-- Also True For Most Humans


Scientists Probe Hope Diamond's Mysterious Glow

-- Gemstone May Just be Pregnant


Iraqi Scientists Explain Lack of WMD

-- Apparently, See, This Huge Escaped Lion Ate It


Study: Vibrating Insoles May Help Elderly

-- Grandma Preparing to Leave Grandpa, Move In with Dr. Scholl


That's all for today.