Cutlines

November 15 2002

In the news today:

Pelosi Elected to Head House Dems

        -- Traficant to Lead Jailhouse Dems

FBI Warns 'Spectacular' Al Qaeda Attack Possible

        -- May Include Laser Show, Metallica Reunion, Katarina Witt

Russia, Iraq Tell U.N. Inspectors to Focus on Job

        -- Discourage All-Night Carousing at Swinging Baghdad Discos

Hu Takes China's Helm

        -- Watt is Vice-Chairman; I Don't Know Named Defense Minister

Consumer Sentiment Bounces in Early Nov.

        -- Surge in Breast Enhancements Paces Economy

South Africa Frees, Then Re-Arrests U.S. Fugitive

        -- Judge: "Neener-Neener"

Iraq Inspector Sees Delay as Serious

        -- DeLay Doesn't Think Iraqis Funny, Either

Michael Jackson Tells Court He's 'Visionary'

        -- Predicted Recent GOP Sweep To Bubbles the Chimp In 1995

House Votes to Help Insure Terror Losses

        -- But Some Congressmen Vote Against Terror

Florida Boys Admit Killing Father and Get Shorter Sentence in Deal

        -- Walk Free After Confessing to Killing Mother, Too

Newark Airport Employed 21 With Fake ID's, Officials Say

        -- Underage Pilots Got Older Ones to Buy Their Booze

Europeans Warn of Impending Attacks

        -- Expect Record Numbers of Garishly-Dressed American Tourists

Va. Adopts Color-Coded Terror Plans

        -- That Way, Even Legislature Can Understand

Capellas to Lead WorldCom

        -- Unusual Rat Joins Sinking Ship

Usual Precautions for Sniper Suspects

        -- Given Large Orange Jumpsuits Marked "Shoot Me First"

Japanese Supercomputer Simulates Earth

        -- Most Memory Chips Fall Victim to McDonald's Virus

Rumsfeld: No World War III in Iraq

        -- Technology Will Let US Transform Directly to WW6

Wall Street Whiz Fighting Paternity Suit

        -- Claims Mother "Just Splitting 2 for 1"

Six Men Indicted for Smuggling Haitians

        -- 180 Haitians Had Total Street Value $24/Hour

Tiny Sea Horses Given Protected Status

        -- Must Be Hired Before White Males, Says EEOC

Sexy Calendar to Fund Science Department

        -- "Lookit THOSE Quarks!"

Military Smallpox Vaccinations Planned

        -- Doctors Hope Civilian Smallpox Will Also Surrender

Gay Army Linguists Say They Were Ousted

        -- New Gay Army Linguists Corps to be Called the GALs

Marines Ready For War, Next Commandant Says

        -- Jarheads Always Get That Way Right Before Liberty Call

Conservatives Wary Of Arms Inspections

        -- Fail to Learn From Rep. Barr

U.S. Still Trying To Unfold Mideast Road Map

        -- Arab Pages Fold Left to Right, Israel Pages...

Reagan Strategy Would Work For Terror War

        -- U.S. To Wave, Smile, Pretend It Doesn't Hear Terrorists

Iraq, U.S. Attempt To Use Clock To Advantage

        -- Saddam Asks For Time Out After Each Violation In Final 2 Minutes

That's all for today.

Cutlines

November 14 2002

In the news today:

Iraq Agrees to Receive Inspectors

        -- Airport Welcome to be Followed by Ritual Beheadings

Bishops Revise Abuse Policy

        -- Parishioners to be Rated as Deacons, Laypersons, Easylaypersons

10 Things to Do in Baltimore

        -- Take In A Ball Game, Then Go To the Aquarium 9 Times

Trick After Trick, but No Magic

        -- Heidi Fleiss Fails to Revive Doug Henning

Muhammad Cited for Fake ID in 2000

        -- Citation Lauded "Exceptional Quality of Lamination"

GOP Picks Allen as Top Fundraiser

        -- Bespectacled Filmmaker Liked it Better When Republicans Were Funny

D.C. Group Eyes Baseball Team

        -- Ladies' Bridge Club Likes How Orioles' Pants Fit

Annan's Victory Lap in D.C.

        -- UN Head Stuck 45 Minutes on 14th Street Bridge

RJR Accused of Money Laundering

        -- Firm: "We Don't Launder Money, We Just Kill People"

Nuclear Sub, Merchant Ship Collide

        -- Submariners Hope for Invention to Allow Outside Vision

Relief Greets Iraqi Acceptance of UN Resolution

        U.S. Finally Unlocks Security Council Bathroom

Jobless Claims Fell in Latest Week

        -- Democratic Senators Haven't Filed Yet

U.N. Inspectors Will Face Many Problems in Iraq

        -- 1. Few Gas Stations to Ask Directions

Michael Jackson Testifies in Calif. Trial

        -- Swears Billie Jean Not His Lover, Admits He's Bad, He's Bad

U.S. Analyzing 'Likely' Bin Laden Tape

        -- Likely Bin Laden DVD Includes Zany Outtakes

A Prostitute, Much Sex, and a Hit Novel

        What Are a Cookie, Some Nookie, and a Bookie?

Bill Gates Finds a Seattle in India

        -- Will Develop New Eunuchs-Based Software

Experts Say a Bin Laden Impostor Could Fool a Lot of People

        -- Unless It's Gilbert Gottfried

Signs Of Terror Said To Increase

        -- More Billboards Planned for "Pedro's South of the Border"

Catholic Bishops: War With Iraq Hard To Justify

        -- Roman Church Would Never Persecute Unbelievers

Europe Lacks Moral Fiber, Says Perle

        -- Europe: Fiber Would Only Cause Us to Perle More Often

Pentagon Voices Doubts On New NATO Candidates

        -- OKs Romania, but Reluctant On Bulgaria and Alabama

That's all for today.