Cutlines
October 29 2002

In the news today:

US Airways Plans More Cutbacks

-- Passengers to Help Push Planes; Metal Detectors on Honor System

Jordan Hunts U.S. Diplomat's Killer

-- Basketball Star Latest Athlete to Seek "Real Killers"

Pro-Islamic Hackers Gear Up for Cyber War, Experts Say

-- Apple Announces New IslaMac; Has Only One Icon

Parties Ready for Mondale-Coleman Senate Match

-- Likely to be Pretty Dull Parties

Bishop Knew Boston Priest Endorsed Man-Boy Sex

-- The Father, The Son, The -- HOLY COW!

Sniper Suspects Recalled

-- Manufacturer Cites Shoddy Penmanship, Offers "Loaner Sniper"

Bush to Force U.N. Vote On Iraq Arms Resolution

-- Insists Security Council Meet in Broward County

Putin Vows U.S.-Style Anti-Terror War

-- No Homeland Security Department Debate; Russia Already HAS a KGB

'Ham Night' at the Seniors' Center

-- Mr. Mendelbaum Gets the Veggie Platter. Again.

'Jackass' Wins Box-Office Crown

-- Audiences Flock to New Adam Sandler Movie

Actor Blake's Chief Lawyer Quits

-- Tired of Keeping Eye on Damn Sparrow

Redskins Keep Eye on Injuries

-- Rookies Fascinated by Changing Bruise Colors

Russian Media Feel Kremlin's Clamp

-- Free Speech Now Permitted in Solitary or While Smashing Rocks

Camp X-Ray Losing Its Usefulness

-- Scouts Discover Machine Can't Penetrate Brownie Uniforms

L.A. Secession Movement Fading

-- Will Unfortunately Remain in U.S.

New Insurance Plan Lets You Choose

-- High Payments or Insufficient Coverage? Some Insurers Offer Both

Iraq Makes U.N. Seem 'Foolish,' Bush Asserts

-- U.N. Bites its Lip

Warning Leaflets Dropped Over Iraq

-- Iraqis "May be Paying Too Much for Long Distance"

Using The Military As The First Resort

-- New "Club Pentagon" Offers Relaxing Desert Vacations, Meals and Ammunition Included

Inquiry Finds American Was Killed By Fire From U.S. Gunship, Not Enemy

-- Everybody Feels Much Better Now

Detainees At Base In Cuba Yield Little Valuable Information

-- Will be Tagged, Released to Wild

Judges Wary Of Interference In Hamdi Case

-- Allow Clipping, Unnecessary Roughness

Threat Alert Level Raised For U.S. Military In Italy

-- Air Force Officers Must Use Door Chains Except When Room Service Arrives

Iraq Regime Change Could Weaken OPEC

-- Powell: "How Do You Spell "Two-Fer" in Arabic?"

58 Hours Of Terror In Moscow Theater

-- Russia Hosts First Pauly Shore/Hulk Hogan Film Festival

Secret Russian Gas Identified

-- Mix of Rotting Cabbage, Kryptonite

Inside Saddam's Mind

-- Spooky Place with Spiders, Slavering Wolverines, Fantasies of Malibu Barbie

Iraq's Woes Began At Its Birth

-- Pretty Much True for Everyone, If You Think About It

That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 25 2002

In the news today:

Report: U.S. Still Vulnerable

-- Soviet Breakup Too Fresh; America Not Ready to Date Again

Rumsfeld Denies Rift Exists Between Pentagon And C.I.A.

-- Siege of Langley Headquarters "Expression of Affection," Says SecDef

Automatic Bugle Lets Anyone "Play" Taps

-- To Be Used at Funerals of UAV Pilots

Iran Rejects Scheme For US Military Rule In Iraq

-- Prefers Statehood, Like Canada

Kurdish Dream Of Nation Is A Nightmare For Turkey

--But Thanksgiving a More Proximate Threat

Computerized Leg Helps Man Lead Active Life

-- If It Could Only Play "Taps"...

Condor Chick Deaths Alarm Biologists

-- Scientists Have Enough Trouble with Chicks As it Is

North Korea Often Clueless Regarding Diplomacy

-- Loses to Norway, Equatorial Guinea in World "Risk" Tournament

U.S. Likely To Resume Talks With China's Military

-- Will Start by Slurring Ancestors, See Where it Goes From There

Report Finds U.S. Unprepared For Next Terrorist Attack

-- Nation Also Drives Too Fast, Doesn't Floss Regularly

U.S. May Ask Court To Dismiss $1 Trillion Al Qaeda Suit

-- Prefers to Ask for "Skillion Bazillion" Dollars, See Where it Goes From There

Military Training May Make It Easier To Be A Killer, Some Say

-- Military Certainly Hopes So; Shinseki: "We Ain't Making Potholders Here"

France, Russia Pose Obstacles

-- Plus Ca Change, Plus Ca Meme Chose

A Just And Affordable War

-- US Offers 0 Down, 0% Financing For 60 Months or As Long As it Takes

FBI Says Al Qaeda Targeting Railways

-- Attacks Could Make Amtrak Slow, Unreliable... Oh, Wait

Split U.N. Council Debates U.S. Proposal for Iraq

-- France and Russia Opposed, China Stoic, Mexico Just Wants to Go For a Snack

Israeli Tanks Pour Into Jenin to Hunt Militants

-- First Day of Tank Season; Bow and Musket Seasons Will Follow

Fraudsters 'Made Millions' From Adult Learning Scheme

-- Old Dogs Don't Know They Can't Learn New Tricks

Washington Sniper Tested Suburban Police Chief

-- Preferred XM14 Bushmaster For Accuracy, Fewer Doughnut Breaks

Mediocre Soldier Becomes Failed Businessman and Frustrated Father

-- Not That We're Piling On Or Anything

Cloud of Anxiety Is Lifted

-- Traditional Cloud of Bus Exhaust Returns


That's all for today.

Cutlines
October 24 2002

In the news today:

Jiang Toasts U.S.-China Relations

-- Relations Pretty Well Toasted Since Tienanmen

A Distant Search for Clues

-- Bush Administration Evaluates Foreign Policy

Poll: Experts See US Invading Iraq with UN Support

-- Experts Will Root Them On From Be Somewhere in Rear With Catering

Poll: Area Residents Fearful

-- Pray They Can Finish Dinner Before Pollster Calls Again

When Nightmares Turn Real

-- President Nader Introduces Defense Secretary Richard Simmons

UN: World May Fail to Meet Greenhouse Targets

-- Earth's Zinnias Looking Ratty; Isn't it Zambia's Turn to Weed?

GOP Taps Federal Workforce

-- Kissinger Set Fine Example

Chechens Threaten to Blow Up Theater

-- Other "Banger Sisters" Viewers Just Ask for Money Back

AOL to Revise Earnings

-- "You've Got Debt!"

'Party Animals' Put Up for Adoption

-- Martin Sheen Fed Up With Charlie, Ramon

Ashcroft: Secrecy Law Not Needed

-- Administration Officials Learning Pig Latin Instead

Court Reverses 'Jenny Jones' Ruling

-- Judge Just Enjoys Saying 'Senoj Ynnej Gnilur'

Former CIA Chief Helms Dies at 89

-- Or Did He?

Children's Health Plan Fuels Dispute

-- Girl, 7, Questions Certification of Boy Playing Doctor

National Democratic Leader Is Losing Hope for McCall's Run

-- Thinks Ladies Home Journal, Simplicity Won't Last Long, Either

Longshoremen Accused of Slowdown in West

-- Clocks Now 5 Hours Behind East

Greenspan Hails Output Gains in Sluggish Economy

-- Credits Increased Fiber

Age-Old Culinary Questions Still Stir a Fire

-- Most Controversial: "Are You Going to Finish Those Fries?"

Xerox Reports a Profit, but Revenue Is Down 6%

-- Exact Duplicate of Quarter Before That, and Quarter Before That, and...

Lucent Revenue Decreases Further

4th Quarter Income: Two Beaver Pelts, Agate Marble, Cracked Soup Dish

2 Drug Giants to Restore Big Discounts for Elderly

-- Oversupply of Seniors Means They Must be Sold at Any Price

That's all for today.

What is a Cutline? Well, we take real headlines from the news, like:


Sen. Helms Recovering After Heart Surgery


...and add a subhead, like:


-- Doctors Demand Finders' Fee


It's the news, only funnier!

Welcome to Cutlines, the daily one-liners on the news! (If you like these, please tell Letterman or the Onion to hire us.)

We're just getting set up, but soon we'll have Classic Cutlines (old news, but funnier) online, and a Cutline update most workdays!