Cutlines
February 17 2004

In the news today:


Cingular Clinches AT&T Wireless Merger

-- Funny Orange Man Marries Blue Death Star in San Francisco Ceremony


Disney Rejects Comcast Offer

-- Cable Giant "Not Tall Enough to Ride This Ride"


Kerry Hits Bush NASCAR 'Photo Op'

-- Loses Vote of Only Democratic NASCAR Fan


Dean Rejects Calls to Quit Presidential Campaign

-- Tells Passing Trucker, "You Quit YOUR Presidential Campaign, Buddy!"


Dean Pledges to Go On Regardless of Wisconsin Vote

-- "We Don't Need No Stinking Badgers"


Under Fire Over Jobs, Bush Hones Upbeat Message

-- New Strategy: Compliment Americans on Their Haircuts


India, Pakistan Agree Broadly on Talks Framework

-- Both Agree to Talk but Not Listen


Palestinian PM Denies He's Considering Resigning

-- Instead, Qurie Traded to Texas in Rodriguez Deal


Halliburton Stops Billing U.S. for Meals Served to Troops

-- Value of Military Chow Finally Acknowledged


Research in Italy Turns Up a New Form of Mad Cow Disease

-- "Slightly Dotty" Cow Disease Causes Cows to Smoke Pipes, Collect String


Earnhardt Jr. Is Traveling Familiar Road to Success

-- Straight Ahead, Turn Left, Straight Ahead, Turn Left...


Is a Normal Human Blastocyst the Same as a Cloned Blastocyst?

-- NFL Bans Halftime Display of Normal Human Blastocysts


Prep Hockey Tries to Curb Fighting

-- Players Instead Given PIN Number for Opponent's Trust Fund


In D.C., Witness Tampering Feared

-- Witnesses Now to be Shrink-Wrapped for Freshness


Md. Considers Videotaping Crackdown

-- Peepers Urged to Upgrade to DVD


Bush Pardons Former Mayor

-- Jubilant Barry: "Bush Set Me Up"


Build Your Own Food Pyramid

-- Good Place to Start: Vice-Principal's Lawn


Women Make Up Majority of College Students

-- Also Majority of College Students with Makeup


Average Car Loan Now 63 Months

-- Average Car Lasts 5 Years


That's all for today.

Cutlines
February 5 2004

In the news today:


37 Killed in Chinese Festival Stampede

-- Toll Typical in Annual "Running of the Proletariat"


Timberlake Says Breast-Baring Wasn't His Fault

-- Didn't Mean to Release Jackson Single


FDA: Web Site Ships Fake Birth Control

-- Clue: Packages Marked "Ortho-Jujyfruit"


Kerry Opens Huge Advantage in Michigan

-- Dean Opens Small Retirement Account in Montpelier


Stewart Witness Faneuil Faces Grilling

-- Martha Suggests a Lemon-Caper Baste, High Heat


Ban Urged on All Animal Protein for Cattle

-- FDA: Too Many Cows on Atkins


Space Station Crew Swapped

-- Spent Six Orbits with Each Others' Spouses


Work-Study Job at Hooters Criticized

-- "Those Shorts Give Such a Wedgie," Complains Brad Wilson, 18


Doctors Who Carry Guns and Make Arrests?

-- "Book Him, Dan-o. And Check his Beta-Carotene Levels."


Rumsfeld: Iraq WMDs May Still Be Found

-- Introduces New Investigator, Amelia Earhart


That's all for today.

Cutlines
January 9 2004

In the news today:


Bush Plans to Call for Moon Settlement

-- Names Sen. Clinton First Lunanaut


Bush Plans to Send Americans to Moon, on to Mars

-- Would Have to Find New Location for Cheney


National Zoo Admits Mistakes

-- Actually Okay to Feed Bears


Fans Mark the 69th Birthday of Elvis

-- Millions Still Seeking Lives


Powell Refutes Think-Tank Report on Iraq

-- Thinking Not Relevant to U.S. Policy


Regulators Reject Silicone Breast Implant Return

-- Medical Stocks Droop in Flat Trading


F.D.A. Defers Final Decision About Implants

-- Agency Will Try on Underwire Swimsuit First


Brain May Be Able to Bury Unwanted Memories, Study Shows

-- Unfortunately, Unable to Forget "Dry Clean Depot" Jingle


Fabled Trove of Fabergé Eggs Goes to Auction, Jewels and All

-- Next Week: Fabergé Omelettes


Plane Makes Emergency Landing at Dulles

-- Flight Ran Out of Cinnabons


Gibbs Signs 5-Year Deal With Redskins

-- Vince Lombardi, George Allen Named Assistants


Terror Threat Level May Fall to Yellow

-- Will Then Turn Brown, Shrivel, Fall Off


That's all for today.

Cutlines
Dec 8 2003

In the news today:


James Brown Wins Kennedy Center Honor

-- Singer Thanks "Hunnggh," "Blarplitrra Morformmnn"


Chinese Premier to Visit Wall Street

-- Will Sound Opening Gong


Attention Deficit Drugs May Have Long-Term Effects

-- Children Suffer From - Look! A Butterfly!


U.S. and Allies Agree on a Plan for North Korea

-- Will Send 5 Gay Men to Redecorate Tacky Nation


California's New Governor Is Fighting a Familiar Battle

-- Giant Shape-Shifting Aliens Invade Sacramento


Study Rebuts E-Mail Claims Made for Growth Hormones

-- Claims of 1.99% Mortgages and Amorous Housewives, However, are True


Volunteers in Japan Give Mount Fuji a Makeover

-- Magma Implants Make Mountain Feel Younger


In Calif., New Warning System Tried

-- Rotating Signs Warn of Fire, Earthquake, Mudslides, Actors in Politics


Doctors Take Action on Flu Shot Shortage

-- Rapidly Give Each Other Last Doses


Silicon Santa

-- Pamela Anderson Christmas Special Tonight


That's all for today.

Cutlines
November 25 2003

In the news today:

Sharon Says Israel Can't Hold on to All Settlements

-- Must Mortgage Some to Buy Reading Railroad, Baltic Avenue


Country Singer Glen Campbell Arrested in Phoenix

--Wichita Lineman is Still on the Wine


Gephardt, Kerry Attack Dean at Iowa Debate

-- Bluto, Otter Attack Dean at Parade


Energy Bill Collapses, May Be Revived in 2004

-- Resuscitation Not Covered Under New Medicare Law


A Course in Evolution, Taught by Chimps

-- Popular Major of Big Ten Football Players


Thanksgiving Dinner, With 12 Chefs on the Side

-- Jeffrey Dahmer's Holiday Recipes


NASA Seeks $220 Million for Shuttle Safety Measures

-- Includes $19.95 for Big Reflective Orange Triangle


Arab TV Network's Broadcasts Halted

-- Ratings Lower than Expected for Victoria's Secret Burqa Show


Iraqi Government in Place by June

-- Unless Dade County Votes


Leaders Warn of Slow Snow Removal in Va.

-- May Get Done in Time for Winter


Man Accidentally Shot at KKK Initiation

-- Wished New Member "Mazel Tov!"


That's all for today.

Cutlines
November 18 2003

In the news today:


ATF Debuts New Fire Research Lab

-- Replacement for Waco Site Finally Ready


Schwarzenegger Sworn In as Governor

-- California Falls Under Rule of Foreign Strongman


Gov. Schwarzenegger to Premiere Calif. Budget Plan

-- Opening at Mann's Chinese Theater for Latest Fictional Epic


Kelly in Beijing to Work Out N. Korea Nuclear Talks

-- Heather and Brittany in Amman to Solve This Whole Middle East Thing


Negotiators Make Deal on $30 Billion Energy Bill

-- Will Pay PEPCO $10 a Month for 250 Million Years


Militant Islamic Groups Active in Turkey

-- Butterball Recommends Roasting at 400 for Maximum Safety


'I Can't Stop Loving You' Writer Dies

-- Song Finally Wrong


Limbaugh Returns from Drug Rehab

-- America Seeks Alternate Rush


Executions to Resume in Maryland

-- Santa: "The Whole Coal Thing Wasn't Working"


Tape Embarrasses Paris Hilton

-- Being Named for French Hotel Not Embarrassment Enough


Schwarzenegger's First Act: Repealing Auto Tax

-- Californians Prefer Next Move: Slapping Tom Arnold Silly


Arkansas Remains Unhealthy State

-- Bid to Change License Plate Motto Loses


That's all for today.

Cutlines
November 14 2003

In the news today:


Freak Hail Storm Hits L.A.

-- Schwarzenegger: Hailing Freaks Not Unusual for California


Dispute over New Jersey Tigers

-- Turf Challenged by Frankie "The Lame, Wounded Gazelle" Imperiali


Republicans Extend an Around-The-Clock Debate

-- New "Conservative Timex" has 27-Hour Days (with 8 Hours' Pay)


Report Finds F.B.I. Bosses Engaged in Lewd Conduct

-- "Hey, Baby, Bet You Could Hide a BIG Microphone in There"


Study of Two Cholesterol Drugs Finds One Halts Heart Disease

-- Other Makes Ex-Wives Seem Curiously Attractive


Singer Wynonna Judd Charged With DUI

-- Releases Johnny Cash Homage, "I (Couldn't) Walk the Line"


Burglars Steal 75 Wedding Gowns

-- Elizabeth Taylor Sought for Questioning


Morality and Microsoft Software

-- Hackers Can Peep through Windows


U.S. Has No Quick Exit Strategy for Iraq

-- Grass is Green, Ice Cream Tastes Good


Social Baboon Moms Are Good Moms

-- Many PTA Meetings Explained


Five Percent of MLB Steroid Tests Positive

-- Small Surprise in Study of Players' Wives



That's all for today.